Isolation

“I pray to God for answers. I ask for His support and encouragement. If I have to live in this pain, in this bubble, in this life of isolation and loneliness the rest of my life, I don’t know what I will do.

Recently I was in contact with a friend who is also a mold survivor.  We talked about this blog and topics that should be covered other than excerpts from my book.  She asked if I was going to talk about Isolation.  I said that I had considered it as one of my topics.  In fact isolation seems to be a general topic and matter of woe among fellow mold sufferers and those suffering from Multiple Chemical Sensitivity (MCS).

I soon began to realize that once my life had changed and I was no longer able to attend indoor functions, be among large crowds, go shopping or out to lunch, I also wasn’t being called or visited.  A majority of my treatment took me far away from home to Dallas, TX.  The longer I was there, the less I heard from others.  It was hard going through all that I went through by myself.  I thought when I finally came home, I would be totally well and everything would be the same as it always was.  I soon began to realize what it must feel like for a soldier to return after many months away at battle.  In my book I write:

I also began realizing what soldiers must feel like after returning from an extended tour of duty. How do you assimilate back into your life? Things keep going on and moving forward but you aren’t there to participate in the moving forward. People carry on conversations but you feel like you were dropped in the middle of a story without access to the beginning. So you just sit there, and you listen but don’t speak.

Things were different when I returned home.  I was still sick and still not able to visit in the homes of friends or go out.  So much had happened after being gone for almost a year (2003) that I felt lost in conversations.  Someone would talk about something that had happened and I wouldn’t have the faintest idea what they were talking about because I hadn’t been there, hadn’t been involved in life at home and hadn’t witnessed changes that took place.  In this depressed state I wrote:

Life Passes Her By

She sits and stares out the window and she doesn’t recognize anything

Life has passed her by and nothing is the same

Where was she when all this happened?  She was here but

Life passed her by

Buildings were built and buildings were torn down

People arrived and left;

People were born and others died

Life passed her by

People divorced and others married;

People found new jobs and new hobbies

Where was she—she was there but she did not participate in life

It passed her by

She reaches out but touches nothing;

 Life is just past her grasp

She stretches and bends and tries again

But life passes her by

She talks to people but it is a jumble to understand what they say

The life she missed is just out of her reach

Life passed her by

I learned through a lot of therapy that there were things I could do to try to lift myself up from the loneliness and desperation.  In another post I will talk about things I and others have done.

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7 responses to “Isolation

  1. I’m sorry you have had to go through this. I enjoyed that poem though; it’s good when beauty can come out of something awful… I look forward to your next post.

  2. Reblogged this on allergictolifemybattle and commented:

    With the holidays here and Christmas in two days I have thought about isolation and the many who suffer from MCS, Mold Illness and other Chronic and often invisible illnesses. A very common thread that many of us share is isolation. All the holiday festivities can compound this feeling of isolation and loneliness. I am reposting a blog from May 26, 2012.

  3. Amen— I have hundreds of MCS sisters who can not leave their MCS safe homes at all & can’t let others inside– & they have not been able to leave their homes for years!!!! I am at a point in my life now– that I can leave my MCS safe home again– but have lived for long periods of time I was not able to!!!
    My blog– I now do is mainly because I tried to knock on my MCS Sisters e-mail doors every day to check on them– etc -etc– & the numbers of them became sooo great– I needed to do something–that I could reach more– & still have a life of my own!! I well know the & understand the Isolation & being totally home bound for long long periods of time!!!!!! Oh- may I reblog you again– you have such great topics!!! Hope you are feeling better– Kathy!!

    • I am sorry Sonda I just saw your comment. You can reblog. Tomorrow my post will be dealing with isolation. That will probably be my last for a few days unless things are calm enough here to sit down and do one.

  4. Princess and the Pea

    I can very much relate and it is very hard some days to “focus on the positive and eliminate the negative”. It’s also OK to have a bad day once in a while. This is a constant struggle/battle. Yes there are worse things of COURSE but that doesn’t minimize the enormity of the battle and continuous struggles we face 24/7. Sharing our challenges and successes is a great way to maintain the strength to fight through this u til we are all cured!! Thank you for sharing your life through this blog. Hope you are having a great visit with your daughter!!

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