Catch Up Mondays – At a loss for words – revisited

handwriting during a reactionDon’t you just hate it when you lose or can’t retrieve the word you want from your brain?  Since becoming ill I have found it is a regular occurrence.  I will be talking to someone and in the middle of a sentence I can’t come up with the word I want to use.  Try as I might, the word won’t come.  Sometimes I have been successful by trying to find another word that means something similar.  In the middle of a reaction as I was in yesterday, I was hard pressed to come up with the other word.

What was the word you say?  I don’t know.  I still don’t know.  I was trying to convey how when dealing with someone I would just respond very vaguely without giving either a yes or no answer.  As I was searching for the word I became tearful.  I tried and tried and finally came up with equanimity (calmness, poise, serenity, self-possession).  It seemed to work but wasn’t really the word I wanted to use.  Maybe I was wanting to use apathetic (showing little or no emotion, indifferent, not interested or concerned).  As I am writing this definition I think that is the word I wanted to use.

As hard as I try to retrain my brain by reading, crossword puzzles, etc. I still lose words in conversation even more so in the midst of a reaction.  I still find when I type that I transpose the same letters in certain words over and over again even though I know how to spell the words.  Yesterday when I was in the reaction my handwriting became hard to read (see picture for a sample of my handwriting in my journal during a reaction) and I spelled things wrong, my right hand became very cold and I had a much harder time expressing myself.

I have been told that mold mycotoxins can damage brain cells.  Sometimes you regain some of the processes you lost but usually not all of them.  When I was first exposed to mold (didn’t know it then) I would take phone messages and then look at them and realize they didn’t make sense and have to re-write them. Sometimes my boss would come in and ask me what the message meant even after I am sure it had been rewritten.  My handwriting was also deteriorating .  At the time I would become frustrated over this but it never dawned on me that something serious was going on with me and my brain.

This was originally posted on June 23, 2012.  I still find myself in a conversation and suddenly don’t even know what I am talking about.  All it takes is the tiniest of distraction (a noise in the background, a knock at the door, hearing someone else’s conversation going on, or the person on the other end of the conversation saying something that distracts me).  When typing I make the same mistakes over and over and over again despite knowing how to spell the words and where the keys are on the keyboard.  It is so frustrating!  Has chronic illnesses affected you this way?

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7 responses to “Catch Up Mondays – At a loss for words – revisited

  1. Pingback: Catch Up Mondays – At a loss for words – revisited | allergictolifemybattle | sondasmcschatter

  2. This is such a frustrating thing! I don’t know if I experience this because of stress, aging, or the as yet to be identified brain lesions, but whatever the reason, it’s so frustrating. Yesterday I was at the store looking at my grocery list and saw I’d written rice milk. I don’t buy rice milk, not ever. What I needed was almond milk. For some reason I wrote rice and I have no idea why!

    • Colleen – that is too funny! I think the factors could be (c) all of the above minus brain lesions. It is frustrating for sure. Now that I am getting older, I have to add that on top of the dead brain cells I now have. UGH! Guess I better keep reading, writing, doing those crossword puzzles, and trying to learn new things. Maybe I should take an online course – if I could remember to do the homework.

  3. I have that problem, too. The right words just seem to get stuck there in my brain, and if I pause too long, someone tries to finish my sentence for me…and it’s usually not the word(s) I’m looking for.
    Come to think of it, I believe I had this problem even before all these chronic and invisible ailments!

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