This is something I have been talking to my daughter and a few friends about lately. Yes, I am still sick. Yes, I can go into a few stores but only if I wear my charcoal mask. Yes, I can eat out at a few outdoor cafes when they are willing to accommodate all my allergies. I am upfront about the fact that I have gained a little more freedom and flexibility with regards to being able to dash into Target to pick up a card or item and the fact that I can eat at a couple of outdoor cafes.
Then why do I feel guilty about this? Why when I see someone I know do I want to hide? Why do I feel the need to explain my actions (Oh, I can eat here because they have a wrap so I don’t have to worry about yeast, and they will leave out the avocado, and they will substitute the aged cheese for the provolone that I can eat, and I can finally eat lettuce and tomato again.) For years I have been so severely sick and at times thought I was dying. Now that I have some freedom why should I feel like I am being deceitful when I am out doing what things I can finally do again?
I have been wrestling with these feelings for a while now and I can’t seem to get rid of them. I think it is even more apparent now that the book is out there chronicling my journey and my life is out there as well.
I think it is time for an appointment with my therapist. I should be rejoicing in the newfound things I can do and not feeling bad about being able to do them.
My question to you: Have or are any of you going through this yourself?