Tag Archives: impulsiveness

Addicted to QVC?

You are probably wondering what QVC has to do with my illness.  I have never been one of those home shoppers.  If I wanted something I went to the store and bought it.

In 2000 at the height of trying to figure out what was wrong with me, the depression mounted and it mounted.  I have spoken in my book about talking to a friend of mine, a lay grief counselor, and telling her that I knew what drove people to suicide.  It is that deep pain that you cannot describe.  Not the physical pain like I had with the sinuses, my left eye, and the whole left side of my face.  It was an inner pain that I could not and to this day cannot truly describe or define.

It was during this time that I found it hard to sit in the family room with my husband and watch television.  I couldn’t stand dramas because I was living in a drama filled world.  I didn’t want to watch comedies because I couldn’t find anything funny in my life and the comedies just made me crawl deeper into my despair.  A few years before this we had purchased a second television for our teenage daughters to sit in our formal living room and entertain friends.  I found myself migrating there most evenings.  I would flip through the channels as in a daze.  One night I landed on QVC.  From then on I was hooked.  Every night after dinner I would plop into an armchair in the living room and tune in to QVC.  I just sat and watched the mindless chatter about purses, shoes, kitchen gadgets and jewelry.  One night while feeling particularly depressed and alone (even though I was not alone) there was a sapphire show.  I watched and for some impulsive moment, I picked up the phone and ordered myself a ring.  I was still managing to work at the time and had it delivered to my work address.

The box arrived!  I was so excited to open it up.  All my co-workers were asking what it was.  Was it a special occasion?  I finally told them no, it was my “depression” ring.  I bought it just for me to see if it would perk me up.

My depression ring.

My depression ring.

I have made only one other impulsive purchase from QVC.  This happened in 2003 while I was sitting in my robe on a futon chair recovering from a hysterectomy, dealing with an exacerbation of all my allergies and sensitivities, and facing a possible sixth sinus surgery.  As I sat in my condo all alone, I found myself once again tuning in to QVC.  This time they were selling beautiful gold ankle bracelets.  I saw one and just had to have it.  Before I picked up the phone to order I called home to my husband in California.  We were spending horrendous amounts of money for my treatment, my condo, and my food.  I wanted to get his permission.  My dear husband, knowing the state I was in, just told me to order it.  I ordered it and wore it a few times while there and then came home with it.  One day I thought I would wear it and when I went to put it on it broke.  So in my jewelry box sits a 14k gold ankle bracelet that cannot be fixed.  The strange thing is that I have never worn an ankle bracelet in my life prior to this and what made me think I wanted one or even would wear one is beyond me.

Being sick, whether your illness is chronic or invisible, often does strange things to your way of thinking.  You are desperate for answers and a cure.  You just want something to make you feel better even for a short while.  I have often told others that if I were a drinking person, I would just be drunk.  You make impulsive decisions or purchases.  I do, however, wear my ring daily as a reminder of where I was and how far I have come since that night sitting in the armchair, staring at the television, and grabbing the phone to place the order.

How many of you find yourselves making these sometimes irrational and impulsive purchases?  If you have, do you think being sick had anything to do with it?  Or did it just exacerbate impulsiveness?